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The Usual Suspects of Every Concert

Welcome to For Your Consideration, I am Nicholas La Torre and I am here to present relevant issues in music that are on my mind. I will present multiple sides of the issue for you to consider and ultimately we will try to gauge your thoughts on the issue. In today's talk, I'm taking a satirical look at the typical groups represented at each and every concert.

Every concert you go to seems to have a diverse smattering of folks where the influence based on genre has less to do with the crowd than what you originally would have guessed. While some music festivals do attract a particular sort of audience, you always have what I like to think of as "the usual suspects" who are in attendance at seemingly every show. Lets explore...

The Makeout Couple

No matter what show you attend, there is always that couple who tends to be focused way more on each other than they are any other part of the show. The title is actually quite generous considering what some of these couples get into as the night goes on. It seems as though they believe the crowd creates more of an intimate, private setting rather than the actual overwhelmingly public sector that it really is. While these two are eating each other's tongues, those around them cannot help but be disgusted, but with a tinge of respect for their brazen efforts. They give no effs.

The Glory Day Revelers

These folks may be my favorite of all, not only because I'm quickly getting closer to this status every time I attend another show. These folks come in from all walks of life and you might never recognize them in any other environment. But when they get a chance to forget the kids and their jobs for a few moments, they do it up right. Most glory day revelers have to balance their level of enthusiasm with their level of alcohol consumption or they may end up in another category on this list. They pump their fists in the air and yell "play Freebird," no matter what band is on. They think they are being funny, but most concert goers are tired of hearing it. They dance like no one is watching, even though everyone is...everyone.

The Moshers

Every. Damn. Show, there is someone who wants to mosh. It doesn't matter if you're watching a Hall & Oates cover band, there is some short-haired punk in a sleeveless t-shirt, trying to push into people to "accidentally" incite a mosh pit. He makes sure to be in the designated mosh area (the pit) even though the show doesn't call for it. He starts by bumping into those around him if they show the slightest bit of enthusiasm. If he tempts you enough, you may try to shove him across the room, which is exactly what he wants. Don't do it!!

The Tweens

I don't want to sound negative about tweens. This is the age range where most people develop their inevitable loves for concerts and music festivals. They are barely old enough to be at the concert by themselves, if they are lucky enough to be alone. Some are chaperoned by their parents who are in the midsts of a full-on glory day binge. The tweens will attempt to escape the embarrassment they call their parents, armed with oversized cell phones with the displays turned all the way to the max. Most of the show, the tweens do not interact with one another unless they decide to go into selfie mode. They see approximately 36 seconds of the show, but capture the rest in their iClouds with pixelated images of the band being drowned out with lighting and horrible audio from being up next to the speakers.

The Hipsters

These fellas don't want to be anywhere near the tweens. They may enjoy casual conversation with the glory day folks, because they are the only ones who have been enjoying the band longer than they have. The hipsters liked the band wayyyyyy before they reached mainstream success. It's easy to spot these folks as they may actually find you first. When you show any enthusiasm for the band, or show any display of knowledge, they will be there to test you. "Oh, you know this song? Did you know it was influenced by a super-rare b-side from the band when they were still in middle school?" The hipsters are quite dedicated, but do not like to meet their equals. You can have a good time with them as long as you prove your elitist status or just take a backseat and acknowledge they are the best.

The Obnoxious Drunk

This isn't really one person or set of people at any given concert. I would say, there is usually one obnoxiously drunk (or super drugged out) person per every 10 or 12 people. This ensures there are just enough of them to annoy the hell out of you at every concert. I can speak from experience. My first time seeing Metallica, one of them dropped an entire beer down my shirt. At another, a pair of them kicked over some drinks I had just purchased and hadn't even had the chance to enjoy. This person either wants to love you or fight you. There is no in between. If you piss them off, even so subtly as just by not acknowledging them, they will make it their personal mission that you will not have a good time. They will occasionally act out with mosh techniques that are not quite as sharp as you might see from a "mosher," mainly because they have lost most coordination and motor functioning at this point. Just don't be near when they finally have had too much or you will be wearing their dinner.

The Really Out of Place Couple

This couple is very, very similar to the folks who are reliving the days of the past. In fact, had something in their night gone differently before the concert, they may have been those folks. But instead, they are sitting near the side looking as if they are waiting to vote rather than be at a concert. I cannot be sure, but I always seem to think they are incensed by everyone's actions around them. It's like one of them wants to get a drink to loosen up but knows their partner will be mad if they do so instead, they guilt each other into being sober and pissed off. I could be wrong. They could be having the time of their lives. Heaven forbid they show it.

The Smokers

This could really be two categories. You have the smokers of tobacco, who are having to rush to the smoking sections every few songs and somehow find their way back to their spot in the audience. They fight in and out of the place every time for the chance at maybe a drag or two of a cigarette. It seems like an awful lot of work.

The Burnouts

The other group in this category are the weed burners. As soon as the lights go out, the puff of smoke goes up. They know they aren't allowed to smoke inside at all, and really risk serious trouble if they get caught with what they have, but they wouldn't trade the opportunity to get to fly high while their favorite band dubs through the concert.

This is not an exhaustive list. Who else do you always see at shows? I would love to hear your experiences with these folks or others in the comments.

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